Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
