you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
