I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
