and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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