life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
