Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
