why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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