the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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