Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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