Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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