My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
