This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
