I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
