so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
