Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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