I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
This baby is an asshole
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
