Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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