I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I came so hard my ears popped.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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