Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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