at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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