you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
