There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
