So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
