Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Pooping to opera.
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