Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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