Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
