i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
