grandma shit on top of the toilet
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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