God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
