Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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