if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
