Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
