I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
