I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
