On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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