Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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