his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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