M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Someone came in the potted fern
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
