i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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