Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
