i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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