I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
