I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
