im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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