I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Randomize
