When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
