Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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