the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
