dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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