So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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