it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
